Let’s be honest for a second. Few things in life feel as paralyzing as standing in front of a friend or family member whose world has just shattered.

Your stomach drops. your throat tightens. You desperately want to comfort them, to take away even an ounce of their pain. But terrified of saying the “wrong” thing, you might find yourself saying nothing at all—or worse, blurting out a cliché that lands terribly.

If you are reading this, it’s because you care deeply. You want to show up for someone you love during their darkest hour. And that right there? That intention is the most important starting point.

Knowing how to speak with someone who is grieving isn’t an innate skill; it’s something we have to learn, often the hard way.

This guide isn’t about giving you a perfect script, because one doesn’t exist. Instead, let’s talk about how to approach these delicate moments with heart, authenticity, and a focus on connection over perfection.

The Golden Rule: Connection, Not Correction

Before we dive into what to say, we need to shift our mindset.

When someone we love is hurting, our natural instinct is to try and “fix” it. We want to offer solutions, find silver linings, or cheer them up.

But grief is not a problem to be solved. It’s an experience to be witnessed.

The goal of speaking with a grieving person isn’t to make them feel better; it’s to make them feel less alone. Your job isn’t to take away their pain; it’s to sit beside them while they feel it. Once you accept that you cannot “fix” this, the pressure to find the perfect words starts to lift.

The Power of Simple, Honest Words

When you’re doubting yourself, remember that simple and honest is almost always best. You don’t need poetic sentiment. You just need to convey, “I see your pain, and I am here.”

Here are some phrases that are almost always welcomed:

“I am so unbelievably sorry.” It’s classic for a reason. It works.

“I don’t know what to say, but I care about you so much.” Admitting you don’t have the words is deeply validating. It’s honest.

“I’m just going to sit here with you for a while. We don’t have to talk.” Permission to be silent is a gift.

“Tell me about [Name of deceased].” (If the timing feels right). Many grieving people desperately want to hear their loved one’s name spoken aloud. They want to share memories.

“This just really sucks. It’s not fair.” Sometimes, just agreeing that the situation is awful is the most comforting thing in the world.

The “At Least” Trap (and Other Things to Avoid)

While most people mean well, certain common phrases can inadvertently cause immense pain. These usually fall into the category of “platitudes”—attempts to minimize the loss or find a silver lining too soon.

When talking to someone who is grieving, try to banish the phrase “at least” from your vocabulary.

Avoid saying things like:

“At least they aren’t suffering anymore.”

“At least you had X good years together.”

“Look on the bright side…”

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“You need to be strong for [the kids/your family].”

“I know exactly how you feel.” (Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, your grief is unique to theirs. It’s better to say, “I remember how crushing it was when I lost my Mom, and I’m thinking of you.”)

Why do these hurt? Because they subtly tell the grieving person that they shouldn’t be feeling as sad as they are. They minimize the magnitude of the loss.

Sometimes, Actions Speak Louder Than Words

We often worry so much about speaking with someone who is grieving that we forget that our actions can do the talking for us.

When someone is in the thick of acute grief, their brain is in a fog. Basic tasks feel monumental.

Instead of the vague (but well-meaning) offer, “Let me know if you need anything,” try making concrete offers:

Don’t ask if they want food. Text them: “I’m dropping off lasagna on Tuesday night. No need to socialize, I’ll leave it on the porch in a cooler.”

“I’m heading to the grocery store. Text me your list and I’ll drop it off.”

“I’m coming over on Saturday to mow your lawn/walk the dog/do the laundry. You stay in bed if you want to.”

Don’t Disappear After the Funeral

This is perhaps the most crucial piece of advice.

In the immediate aftermath of a death, there is a flurry of activity—casseroles, flowers, and constant visitors. But two weeks or two months later, the world moves on. The phone stops ringing.

That silence is deafening for the grieving person. That is often when the loneliness hits hardest.

Set a reminder on your phone to check in three weeks from now. Or three months from now. Or on the six-month anniversary. Send a simple text: “Thinking of you and [Name of Deceased] today. No need to reply, just wanted you to know you’re on my mind.”

Showing up for the long haul is the ultimate act of friendship.

The Takeaway: Just Show Up

If you take only one thing from this post, let it be this: Your awkward presence is infinitely better than your perfect absence.

Don’t let the fear of saying the wrong thing keep you away. You will likely stumble. You might say something klutzy. That’s okay.

Grieving people rarely remember the exact words you said. But they will always remember how you made them feel—and that you cared enough to show up when their world fell apart.

Thank You for spending some time with us today, we really appreciate you! 🙏